“Real talk” vs. fake chatter

For almost twenty years I’ve heard the term (and used it also)…”real talk”.

Mainly used to stress that what I’m (universal “I”) about to say is serious and worthy of listening to.  And that’s great!  No, really it is.  However,  after hearing it for SO long, it’s lost ‘that lovin’ feeling’…and has become  one of those speech fillers like “nah mean”, and “I’m just saying”. Nope, I don’t know what you mean….and if you’re not saying it; then who’s the ventriloquist (complete with hand up the….and special effects voices)?

Ooh, add the statement; “I’m not like these other – cats, chicks, men, females, etc…” AND “I’M different. ” just by saying and possibly pointing out the OBVIOUS,  makes you more like the one who proceeded you. You’re similar,  far too similar to make an effort to BE DIFFERENT.

100%…of what? No one is absolutely anything continuously…you never change moods? Get hungry?  Have flatulence and must evacuate your ‘system’ (for lack of a cleaner word/image)?

My all-time favorite, “when you know better, you do better”; that’s an apparent falsehood.  The majority of people KNOW to do better and just DON’T.  Why?Because change is painful; it requires thought and commitment, and “real talk”…we ain’t got time for all that.

Last, but not least (it just always feels that way to the last)…”be the change you want to see in the world”…in that case I wanna see the LOWEST rate of monies become the dollar (no more chump for us folks)! That’s right!  No more heavy pockets full of coins, just bills, promissory notes insured by the Federal Reserve…and when all is said and done (see how I did that)…counterfeit conversation can cost you an arm and a leg. 😁😂😅

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What in da Fugg…

Hey,  I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and it sucked. Not minimizing the abuse or my inability to get the fugg out after the FIRST hit, however,  sometimes we’re stupid,  weak, scared, terrified,  confused,  unable to use the common sense God gave us…and occasionally we get our family and friends involved YET when they offer: escape, safety, options, legal recourse,  revenge,  ass-whuppings,  etc…we go RIGHT BACK to the “S&M” and take it all over again and WORSE.

imagine then twenty years later (an unborn child at the time of the abuse) your own flesh and blood is in a demented,  twisted,  sick and angry relationship.  You tell her to leave him, you tell him to leave her alone.  You tell them both that you can’t be in love and be this way with one another.  It isn’t love,  it isn’t safe, it isn’t healthy…and they’re both worthy of better.

Then you get the late night messages and the “on the other line” loud arguments and the “who’s gonna kill whom”…and all the crap you left to survive without that madness in your’s and your children’s lives and yet…

so I left my adult child by the wayside and wished them both the best for themselves and each other. Now they’reseparated by a state boundary and YET they can’t stop being in contact with each other.  What to do? Pray that they remain separate and that the BOTH get the help they so obviously need in order to become healthy.

I pray that one day they realize that the need to batter another person IS NOT love, the need to CONTROL another person isn’t live and that the inability to treat your significant other with live like you’re SUPPOSED to live yourself…isn’t love; it’s abuse and it’s wrong, sometimes dead wrong.

When it Hurts SO BAD…

The only thing worse than pain is pain that doesn’t get proper treatment.  The internal scab on the psyche that picks itself and thus never truly heals. The anguished feel of an overactive and underwhelmed brain that feels as though it is swelling with each thought.  The grudges that don’t shrink, fade like old photographs or become blurred memories that allow the inner heart to melt in the sweetness of forgiveness.  The anger that builds brick by brick of sheer disgust and resentment at myself.

I don’t want to feel like this…all the time,  some of the time,  most of the time or even occasionally.  I don’t want selfhate to consume me. I don’t want this unrequited rage to find someone to latch onto.

I see the abyss inside my mind and it looks a lot like a dank, musty piece of the pie made by a sociopath.

I smell the burning of my mental bridges and the bloodlust that accompanies those who just eventually “let go”, “surrender”, allow the demons to run amuck and take over the asylum that is MY mental; not theirs.

I need to write,  like dirt needs rain and plants need both with some sun; in order to flourish.  I need to write,  like the earth needs gravitational pull in order to continue its orbit around the sun.  I MUST engorge myself on my own words or I shall explode!

The weight of my life is akin to the heaviest bench press by Mr. Universe,  the nape of my neck constantly seeks an appropriate noose AND limb from which to suspend my animation.

Fatigue graces the lids of ALL my eyes; inner, center and brown eyes blue. Tired of being tired and trying to explain to my immediate family how all THIS doesn’t want to work/function anymore.

I’m not sure what the future has for me; I just PRAY it’s a release.

For the LOVE of God…

I had the distinct ‘pleasure’ to debate (there wasn’t a pro OR con side to the discussion) the existence of God and his plan for us as “gods” to live our soul existence on this earth.

No matter what knowledge I brought into the debate; it was shot down as being either a fallacy or was learned by my flesh.  Um, okay!

However,  when I asked this man WHERE did he obtain HIS knowledge;  I was told it’s “common sense”. My rebuttal was AND REMAINS;  if it was common, then more people would have it, no?

‘Aw, my sister,  you have all this fleshly knowledge inside you and you don’t realize the goddess/queen you are…”

Thanks,  however,  I’m not related to anyone who doesn’t share the same bloodline as me or something called life experience with…we all CAN’T be related because we ALL aren’t on the same page, let alone the same book ANNNND furthermore stop trying to slip by the question.  How did you ascertain and obtain this magical knowledge that you are a god?

Because he either would not OR could not answer the question…the debate ended.

I’m saddened that there are still people who are more interested in the verbal trolling than in giving me the answers I seek. Next time I see him I’m a have a bottle of blessed oil ready…that OR some Moscato.

God knows he and I have been having a disagreeable discussion for awhile now. I believe God exists,  I believe that the greatest testament of love was God sacrificing his only son and YET, if I’m a child of God, then he has plenty of other children to sacrifice…that’s how poverty,  civilian deaths in times of war, natural disasters and the subsequent loss AND diseases can make sense to me;  that these are just more sacrifices of God’s children.

I have to hold onto that belief in order to not lose the fragile grip I hold onto; for the sake of MY humanity.

Lemme do me without doing harm to others, and then no one gets hurt. See, there’s ALWAYS been someone who has done a world of evil in the ‘name of God’, few who do good, better, and best for the ‘Love of God’.

Please allow that change to begin within me…and then let it spread like mayo. Amen and selah

Under Deconstruction

What you use as your foundation is what determines whether or not your “edifice” remains. Build on lies, hypocrisy,  genocide,  incest, lack of care and concern and in general,  bad blood and there can be no questions about the end results.

A penal colony of ‘white collar’ criminals is STILL a penal colony.  So there can’tpossibly be a misunderstanding when it all goes to hell in an EXTREMELY large hand basket.

I’m sure not preaching to the choir,  I’m reaching for the pulpit.  Have your foundation in order BEFORE you raise your roof.

Think about it;  Australia is doing just fine…

Troubles of the World

So there’s a LOT of hate in the world,  real talk,  there has been since the beginning of time. Hate; described as racism, hate; described as religious beliefs,  hate; described as superior races, hate; described as classism, hate; described as haves and have nots, hate described as male vs. female, hate; described as smart vs. stupid, hate; described as political freedom,  hate; described as ANYTHING that can possibly justify one party’s dominance over another…hate!

HATE? Well,  hate breeds like rabbits and is decimated like roaches….far saddening is that HATE dwells within us all. Compassion and empathy and love and respect can only detain the voracious beast that is hate.

so many thoughts so few pencils

Today’s another day and guess what?  It ends with the letter ” Y “.  How’s THAT for an amazing feat?

Day three of the self-imposed toilet run…see, the more I stress and struggle with my life choices,  the more I remain chained to the throne.  I dinnint even think it was possible to have that much waste in me (seeing as how I’m eating less than the norm). Glad I or someone in here thought to stock up on tp!  It’s that serious AND that often.

Well,  enough of that ish! Decided to make something creative happen today (BESIDES this blog aka web-journal) and it’s gonna be gorgeous! Without my continually needing to thwart the boogahbears that relate to being an exemplified customer service person;  I can catch a few of the ideas that keep throwing themselves at me.

Annnnd, one day when I’ve ‘mastered’ posting pics online,  I’ll be able to share my art…again.

meanwhile, there’s nothing more peaceful than being quiet enough to actually listen to the people who populate my mind. Good day to all.